February 06 2024

Hi all 😘

I'm relatively new to the whole swinging scene and I'm having some trouble with emotions (lol!!). At the moment I'm exploring being open and non-monog but I'm experiencing some emotions that I haven't had to deal with before and it's kinda wild where your mind can take you 🙃

I was wondering what your experience has been like being ENM, and what kind of emotions you may have gone through at the start and how you managed them and/or continue to manage them. As in, did you experience any jealousy etc and all the in-betweens. I would also love to hear of couples success stories being ENM.

My housemate/best friend said I shouldn't be feeling so emotional about the whole thing ...but I'm human haha and at the moment I'm a gooey pile of emotions 😅 #sendhelp


  • FeistyFatty


    15 days ago

    Yikes. I can't empathize sorry. But sounds tricky.
    Ive been married for 26 years and ENM (off and on) for 17 years. I honestly think I'm on the spectrum because I have never caught feels, EVER. Neither has Hubby, so maybe we both are a tad Aspy 🤔😂
    Have met some of our longest and closest friends through living the lifestyle. I love them, but they're just friends.
    I wonder if it makes a difference that you're single and not partnered/married? How does ENM work for a single? Genuinely curious.

  • RagnarPrime


    15 days ago

    Envy, jealousy and fomo are the emotions to confront and deal with.

    For Abi and I we naturally still get that (from both sides) but it prompts a conversation, understanding, empathy and growth. We learn to understand and master these emotions.

    It isn’t easy but it’s worth trying to make it a normal part of communication. The advantage of being non-monog is you get to have those challenging chats and it creates a really good bond.

    Abi and I have become each others biggest supporters and cheerleaders when it comes to exploring ourselves with other people.

    My advice is don’t fear the emotions or the triggers. They can lead to some serious personal enlightenment.

  • nightingale8


    15 days ago

    One thing I didn’t expect was the drop after spending a night with a couple (on my own). So much sexual high followed by so much quiet on retuning home. Hard to explain it but just one example of the roller coaster when on your own. That said I’d wager that your housemate is right. It shouldn’t take over your life.
    ENM has tested so many facets of my relationship and we found boundaries where we hadn’t expected. Been some version of nonmonogamous for the past 13 years with my partner. It’s not perfect but it’s definitely loving and committed. He’s my heart. Lucky I have many hearts to give

  • Felicitous


    15 days ago

    I don't think there's any 'normal' way to feel...
    We are all so wonderfully individual and whilst it's great to learn and hear about others' experiences - ultimately it's important you create ones for yourself that are uniquely yours.

    You either feel comfortable with certain things you are doing and or experiencing or you don't....
    That's a way of sifting and sorting and refining EXACTLY what you want and what works for you.
    That may be a 'traditional' relationship or it may not.

    Most often (I found with my personal experience) that I had to experience a few things I really didn't enjoy to know what I did and what was important for me.

    I would say gravitate yourself towards people and experiences that make you feel good and if you're finding there are some where you're not ... have less of those until you figure out the 'why'.

    But our feelings are there to guide us. So don't diminish them and don't measure yourself on what others do.

    My experience of ENM's (almost 20y married - open for 5) is that they can work when partners communicate well and understand the needs of the other. It's not always an even playing field and it's not always easy.
    Emotions do come up and navigating through them takes time and consideration from all parties.
    And it's not always about sex...
    Sometimes it's about intimacy or shared interests or all of the above.

    Allowing or witnessing your partner expand mentally/ physically and emotionally with another where perhaps traditional doctrine and previous obligation had stifled such freedoms is a really special thing. Being that for another is equally so.
    Every single ENM is as unique as the individuals in it.

    Only you can know what works for you. Trust how you are feeling.
    Hope this helps 💓

  • Alexis


    15 days ago

    Ok, my two cents from another newbie.

    It maybe sounds like you're using someone else's emotional threshold to set your own expectations. What your best friend says and experiences for herself (or himself) is irrelevant for you.

    Some people can have complete strangers turn up to their house and fuck them while they are blindfolded, other people don't feel comfortable sleeping with someone until they are married. That's a pretty wide spectrum.

    I'm exploring where my I feel comfortable on that spectrum and then pushing those limits a little bit. Not completely disregarding them based on what the unwritten expectations are in the scene.

    From what you've said there, you might be going too far too soon and it could be a good idea to tone it back a bit.

  • ElectricDreamers


    15 days ago

    In the beginning I think we both experienced a wide sway of emotions. With highs come lows and reality sometimes shatters your fantasies.

    Educating yourself is really helpful - through books, audio books, podcasts, blogs etc. It certainly helped us.

    ENM is a really vast and varied landscape. It's not one size fits all but also it allows people to develop their own interpretation of what relating, connecting and love is.

  • Dom21


    15 days ago

    Just do it!

  • xxxpeachesxxx


    15 days ago

    Thanks everyone, this is really great advice 😘 thanks for taking the time to respond - I feel more positive after reading everything you alll wrote. I'll definitely get to listening to some podcasts, I think that's a solid and constructive way forward x

  • PerthVixen


    14 days ago

    Reading your post, it’s appears that you are single and have decided to explore ENM. Which means you’re diving into a utterly stunning sexual world and lifestyle . . . that many others within it are exploring with support and counsel. You - are entering it with little to no ‘backup’.

    Because unlike Swinging or ENM or Poly couples who have EACH OTHER to bounce off and support each other, you are virtually doing this alone. And that means you need to do more prep and also be MORE prepared for ‘some’ fallout than those couples.

    @Nightingale8 mentions a really important phenomenon, that occurs when you ‘connect’ with another person, but you’re not necessarily ‘romantically’ involved with them.

    It’s widely referred to as a #SubDrop, and is quite literally the ‘drop’ of your body’s “happy chemicals” . . . dopamine, serotonin, endorphins & oxytocin. The clinical term is “Postcoital Dysphoria” (PCD).

    And it’s real. My god is it real.

    And if you are exploring ENM ‘alone’, it is extremely confronting managing that ‘drop’ on your own. ENM couples have each other to manage the ‘drop’ to the extent that they may not even realise it happening. You don’t have that luxury, which means that you need to a ‘plan’ to cope with this drop.

    It’s unclear what preparation you undertook before you dived into the delicious Universe of ENM. But you truly can not enter into it blindly. You need to be honest without yourself about where you are emotionally and mentally.

    * What “Attachment Style” do you have?
    * Do you have any toxic thought-patterns connected to previous romantic or childhood traumas?
    * Who can you confide in, who will listen and be an objective sounding board?
    * What FIRM boundaries have you established for you own safety and mental/emotional health?
    * What is your “deal breaker”?

    ENM seems so easy to way too many people. It’s just FWB with people who are in a relationship! Right?!?

    No . . . . ENM is soooooo much more.

    ENM is beautiful. And empowering. And unique. It offers the opportunity to be ‘loving’ with another person, without the actual entanglements of “love”. There’s a built in ‘safety net’ when it comes to the ‘romance’ of ENM.

    UNLESS . . . . you fail to be honest with YOURself.

    I have two married ENM lovers.

    I know the wife of one and even introduced them to a subset of Perth’s Swinging scene. When he and I meet, he will take me to dinner, where we talk and laugh and I hear about his family. I then take home home to my bed.m and we spend the whole night together. It is sublime.

    But we chatted for over 12 months before we met in real life. We built a connection. He is relatively vanilla, except for one Kink which his wife isn’t into. But I love.

    My other married lover can only spare a couple of hours a day, once a month. His wife has very strict boundaries about contact, which I 100% respect. He is very Kinky and we explore it with passion.

    That means I have two unique relationships that have the grace of ‘connection’. With two wives in the background.

    I feel so humbled and grateful to share their journey into ENM. (I was the ‘first’ for one of the men/couples).