M47
Uninformed / inexperienced Dominants - (if you can call them a dominant)
March 04 2017
Now let me make this clear I call Myself unexperienced and I've been an on and off Dom for 4 years. But in saying that this post is not about inexperience it's more than that.
Why is it that there has been an influx of these pretend dominants? Maybe it's due to 50 shades of grey (what a load of shit that was) or guys with past mummy daddy issues looking to assert themselves. My problems with it is this:
1. They are not honest and a large number are telling people they know what they are doing. Women are being hurt, physically and mentally.
2. It's unsafe. If your a dominant have the tools of the trade and know how to use them safely. If you tie someone up or use a gag never leave them alone!!! And always have a knife or something to cut rope quickly.
3. These "dominants" do not offer care during or after a scene or session. If you have someone tied up and they are working hard for you did you think they may need a drink? Show some care treat her right.
4. No communication with the submissive beforehand. Big mistake!!!! Just cause you call yourself a dominant does not mean you can do as you wish against her will. If you don't know what she wants find out and use safe words. If you don't There is a word for this type Of thing.
5. It's giving the whole community a bad name and the good people out there are sick of it.
The list could go on and on!
Submission is a gift! Care for your submissive even if it's a one off.
Do some reading guys and talk to people. It's not all
Pain and what you want.
Lastly we all start somewhere and I do not discourage anyone from getting into it. Just know what you getting into and the responsibility surrounding this
Jake
- Posted from rhpmobile
Comments
RHP User
7 years ago
Who has been hurt? I haven't heard of anyone being hurt. Common sense is all it takes. I've never used 'safe' words and I never will. If I want a guy to stop, I tell him, it's not rocket science. I'm not in kindergarten, I don't need a procedure to follow. And can't the sub just ask for a drink if she's thirsty 😀 Nice ad though 😉
RHP User
7 years ago
Hi thanks Master Jake for your insight. To I touchmyself 2 yet again you attack the person making the post. Seriously you need to check yourself.
RHP User
7 years ago
Thanks for the comment. I won't rubbish your opinion. Submissives do have some responsibility.
- Posted from rhpmobileRHP User
7 years ago
each time the next 50 shades has come out, this happens..
well said masterjake.. all on point..
checklists and consent, just because you have negotiated what you are doing, consent is ongoing, keep asking at the start and each new thing you go to try. consent at the start is not a free for all.
if you dont know which areas not to spank/cane/paddle etc, dont do it! you have no idea what organs, nerves etc you are damaging in someone till its too late.
MissRedFox
7 years ago
Of whether the op is posting an ad or not the points made are valid ones. Way too many of the people I know in the scene have had bad experiences, myself included. Abusers can hide too easily behind the role of Dom - the lines blurred between BDSM and abuse.
It is accepted practice in the kink scene that aftercare is the responsibility of the top and this includes making sure the bottom has something to drink, lollies, cuddles whatever is required. A bottom may feel spacey after a scene and not always in a position to ask.
In heavier BDSM play there are risks and many things are learnt skills that take time to learn how to do properly and safely. There's nothing wrong with being new or inexperienced - but lying about these is wrong and a red flag,
My advice to those who want to explore BDSM play is to meet people in the scene and inform yourself of safe play and risks whether you are a top or bottom, Dom or sub.
Safe words are used because in some play "no" may be part of the role play so an unrelated word is used in order to communicate effectively,
XX
- Posted from rhpmobileRHP User
7 years ago
I posted another comment which isn't showing, but basically saying I'm a bit out of the loop because I don't have a TV, by choice, so wouldn't know what was going on in the world lol also said obviously responsibility comes with tying someone up, but have there been instances where someone has been tied up and left? I think the real issue is Dom's getting their nose out of joint because others are cutting their cheese 😀 up to us who we choose to cut our cheese 😉
inspirit
7 years ago
Yes there appears to be many who don't understand the psychological implications of no aftercare.
I also think many submissive people don't understand the D/s dynamics either. I personally think for many its really role play and fulfilling a fantasy.
There is a myriad of information available now days on the net. Subs who wish to explore this area of their sexuality need to educate themselves too.. In particular they need to discuss bounderies and the play at hand.
- Posted from rhpmobileRHP User
7 years ago
People can get injured, for sure. But they can get injured by idiots who've been doing it for years. That's why trust and respect is crucial going both ways, as well as good judgement.
But your post does reek a bit of self promotion dressed up as concern.RHP User
7 years ago
Thanks Rick I see your point but this post was purely written due to a conversation with a good friend.
Self promotion was not my intention.
Thank you everyone for their comments.
- Posted from rhpmobileRHP User
7 years ago
I'm with Rick, and pfft to the other nasty responses. Clearly self promotion. So op who's getting hurt, I don't want names, but in what setting/situation, surely you can elaborate or clarify what it is you're basing this concern about the welfare of sub's on? I'm a sub and I've never had any concern for my safety. But I'm fussy who's dungeon I enter lol {insert Adam's family theme song} "We're creepy and we're kooky, mysterious and spooky" 🎶🎷🎹
PurePeony
7 years ago
I'm learning, and having recently suffered from Sub-drop, I look forward to learning from the posts of those who are experienced.
And what's with all the cynicism, attacking the OP for starting a great thread? None of us can see into another person's true intentions and whilst self-promotion can be a possibility, who are we to judge and condemn? Someone decided to get things off their chest and start an interesting discussion...that in no way means that they are egocentric!
With bitter and cynical, toxic, non-constructive responses like that, little wonder that fewer and fewer folks would dare contribute in the forums.
If we are doing more discouraging than encouraging, it's time to reflect on our own souls.RHP User
7 years ago
...unless you are a trained medical professional of some sort, should your or anyone else's ''play'' include activities that may have serious medical consequences? Even with training, no professional would go there.
Just remember that your next gig could be called ''50 Shades of the Graybar Hotel''...doin' it hard may not be what you had intended.
Just sayin'......RHP User
7 years ago
If you're the sub and you are bound and gagged, how do you ask for a drink or even ask to stop? That is when 'safe words' are most needed. And they are not necessarily words. Sometimes a motion, some kind of signal, the number of blinks, etc. as discussed beforehand between the dom and sub.
I don't know much at all about D/S and am looking forward to more constructive responses. Thanks for the topic, OP.
As you were, folks 😊
- Posted from rhpmobile
twowithnolimits
7 years ago
Thumbs up for suggesting four years is not long..it's not, i have been domming for 42 years and have accumulated a lot of experience , a broad palate and a wide acceptance durig that time
Thumbs down for immediately echoing the cliched politically correct list of requirements and steps to follow to be a "correct dom", now you are sounding like fifty shades LOL
Please don;t fall into the trap oif arrogance don;t label kinkster "the good ones" and "the bad ones", don;t say your kink is ok theres is not, don;t say yours is the right way , there's is not, it was not long ago we electrocuted gays and imprisoned anyone engaged in anal, in some parts of Australia that law is still on the books!!
Communication , YES. Tolerance, YES. Prescription, NO!RHP User
7 years ago
By no means am I attacking anyone's style but but really you call my post cliched? If there was another way to write it please fill us in. It was my view and some of the comments seem to be coming from a place of negativity toward what was written rather than telling me why it's so wrong.
The negative comments clearly don't prove what was written the OP is incorrect.
Anyway that's my last work guys.
All the best and take care
- Posted from rhpmobile
Firery
7 years ago
sub drop is a huge thing that many Doms failed to notice or even care about. sub drop is real and many submissives are left out in the cold.
I am a Dom in the lifestyle for many years, I have seen it regularly and have helped subs get through it. Sadly there is what I call wanna be Doms and they really have hurt and scared many subs out of the lifestyle. To me a Dom needs to understand it all from a subs point of view and the sub comes first always.RHP User
7 years ago
Meeting any new person for play entails an element of risk. How each person manages that risk is up to them.
However, having said that ITM, what you advocate is reckless.
OP is correct to be concerned and I don't care if it is an advertisement for his profile or not.
Trust is built up with time spent and open communication before any play - especially where the risk is increased through application of restraints. I have no desire to be restrained by anyone I don't know well and trust implicitly.
I'm not into hardcore BDSM - I'll leave that for others as not my thing - but even soft BDSM requires a level of trust over and above the usual play. I will not allow myself to be placed in a completely vulnerable position with someone I don't trust.
There are only a couple of men in my life that I would trust with this dynamic. As yet, we have not explored this side of our nature and maybe we will never do so but I trust them implicitly and they me.
Trust, safe words (or indicators), knowledge, awareness of each other's comfort and safety are must haves.
Please stay safe and well.RHP User
7 years ago
Irrespective of whether they are veterans or newbies, naturals or taught, they will have started from a position of inexperience, little information and a limited understanding of responsibilies and consequences.
And no matter how well informed, some mistakes will be made and (hopefully) lessons learnt.
Let them explore and enjoy their journey. Eventually, the natural's will excel, the idiots will have their fingers burnt, the fakes will be exposed and the lucky ones will find their diamond in the rough.
- Posted from rhpmobileRHP User
7 years ago
BDSM is all about communication, And if it's not sane, safe and consetual
Then it's something that shouldn't happen. Very simple.
- Posted from rhpmobileRHP User
7 years ago
Shame you got sledged for it, asits a valid discussion, but when people dont understand it, they sledge and call it self promotion. Its a good topic for a fetlife discussion though. We are always learning. No matter how long you have been in the lifestyle. And from my short experience, its not the age or length of yrs one has been involved either. I know some Tops that are early 30's that I have more respect and trust that some older ppl who have been involved for 20 yrs. sonetimes the older ones and get complacent.
And dont just focus on the males in this instance. I have seen some really irresponsible behaviour from the Mistresses at venues. Assumptions of what a sub is capable of, without asking and negotiating with them first. And then barging full steam ahead without consent. Seen it. Had it done to me by one woman. Nothing major but I was being flogged at a small venue,the woman flogging me was slowly selecting another impliment to use on me, when a self proclaimed Mistress/Dom ( dressed in her leather, looking sooo dommy) picked up a flogger and without a word, started using it on me. I had my eyes closed and was a bit blissed out, but I knew it wasnt the same person doing the flogging, it was different and I knew within 2 thuds. I turned my head to see this other woman with my flogger in her hand.The person who I had entrusted to do an impact scene me was also in shock trying to process what had happened as it had all happened so quickly.Instant halt to procedings. No no no!! And she is so inexperienced that she didnt understand what the fuss was about.she knows me. No harm done right, its just a bit of fun. Chill out !!Its just a harmless flogger right? No its a fucking connection. With fucking trust. Its not a game. Its not a show. She looked like a total idiot to the ppl that saw what happened, but laughed it off as harmless fun. Which shows her experience.
Now if that had been a guy, whoa!! The shit would have hit the fan.
Long post sorry. But I would also highly recommend new ppl attending fetish venues and watching the interactions between Tops and their bottoms in scenes.Watch the aftercare. Get an idea what the dynamics is all about. Ask questions. Thats how you learn. By exampleRHP User
7 years ago
Mistakes sorry.
P.s... I am into certain bondage/restraining that are harder to get out of than rope rigging. So I will only let ppl do it if I am with others at a venue or private event. If something happens, there are others who can see and help if the restraints need to be taken off quickly. When I practice the ties/binding at home alone, its only my torso and legs that are restrained. So have someone as a spotter/wingman or hand holder if you are exploring this stuff.
NudesRus
7 years ago
Is that 42 cat years or did you start domming When you were 10? 🙄
twowithnolimits
7 years ago
I had my first sub @13 although at that stage our interests were only limited to spanking and binding. Your sexuality isnt something you acquire at fifity from a coles paperback and a D grade movie!
HarleyQandMrO
6 years ago
As an experienced Dom, who has been doing it for many years. I agree with what you have said.
There are people out there that have no clue.
We have a duty to our subs to ensure that no matter what is requested / required, or whatever their kink is, their health and safety is a priority. We all know things can go horribly wrong if due care is not taken. A slight misjudgement or loss of concentration is all it takes. Which is why we take all precautions.
An initial conversation about likes / dislikes is essential and expectations met.
At the end is a session, there should be a hug and compassion shown, so they can revert back to being themselves and not someone's sub.
Anyone that thinks differently is not a true or experienced Dom.
- Posted from rhpmobileRHP User
6 years ago
"If you're the sub and you are bound and gagged, how do you ask for a drink or even ask to stop? "
in this condition a squeaky toy or a "drop toy" are used. the squeaky toy is the most common but a "drop toy" such as a small metal bar can also be useful. once they drop the bar, the bar is picked up, pausing the scene temporarily or stopping it totally of the bar is not accepted/grasped.
there are others ways as well but they are the most commonly used...
S
- Posted from rhpmobile
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