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Mainly because of various rules created by society, religion, and the law, a heterosexual, monogamous coupling...
Alison Cox | May 25 2006
What Does It Mean To Have An Open Relationship?
Mainly because of various rules created by society, religion, and the law, a heterosexual, monogamous coupling is often viewed as the only acceptable type of sexual relationship. As a result, most people have not been exposed to any other way of life. In fact, we are so heavily socialised to believe in the ideals of monogamy and marriage, that many people cannot even imagine any other option. Even for many couples who have enjoyed the swinging lifestyle, the idea of flying solo is a totally foreign concept, and one that pushes the envelope in terms of alternative sexual arrangements.
Common responses to the idea of open relationships are: "They don’t really exist"; "No one I know has tried that"; and "There’s no way it could possibly work out". In fact, many successful models of open relationships do exist, with the most common type being where a couple maintains a primary relationship with each other, but also a secondary relationship with one or more people outside of the primary relationship.
The primary/secondary model is by far the most commonly practiced form of open relationship and it is the most similar to a monogamous relationship. It is most frequently practiced by married people or other couples in long-term relationships. In this model, the couple decides that their relationship will have precedence over any outside relationships. The couple lives together and forms the primary family unit, while other relationships receive less time and priority. No outside relationship is allowed to become equal in importance to the primary relationship. The couple makes the rules; secondary lovers have little power over decisions and are not allowed to negotiate for what they want.
This model of open relationships are often experienced in the following ways:
Heterosexual couples who are swingers
These couples attend sex parties or meet sexual partners through personals ads or through various activities and networks. Some couples only have sex with other couples, others seek another man or woman for threesomes, and only have sexual adventures with their spouse present. Other straight couples allow either spouse to have recreational sex with other partners without the spouse present, but this is strictly sex and no emotional involvement or commitment is allowed. Gay male couples may also engage in this type of open relationships.
For example, Julia (32) and Tim (37) are a straight, married couple. They use Internet personals to meet people, and have sex only with other couples, together as a foursome. In contrast, Rae (39) and Brian (38) live together. Rae goes to sex parties and has anonymous sex with other men while Brian likes to pick up women in bars.
Heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual couples who are not swingers
These are couples of any and all sexual orientations who allow each other to have outside sexual relationships, either casual or long-term. These outside relationships are still considered secondary, and if any conflict develops, the primary relationship will take precedence. Usually the couple lives together, shares finances, spends weekends, holidays, and vacations together. The outside lovers usually do not live with them, spend much less time together, have very little voice in decisions and rule-making, and must arrange scheduling around the demands of the primary relationship. Some couples have rules that each spouse has veto power over any new lovers that his or her spouse may choose. In other words, if a woman is interested in a relationship with a new man, her husband has the power to veto that relationship before it starts, for any reason. Other couples allow each person to sleep with whomever they choose, but make rules about how much time they can spend with their other lovers, whether they can spend the night away from home, whether they can spend any weekend time with them, and other restrictions on these relationships.
For example, Cassie (29) and Tom (41) live together. Cassie has a long-term sexual relationship with her friend Melanie, who spends afternoons with Cassie while Tom is at work. Tom has a series of short-term relationships with women he meets on the Internet. However, once Tom fell in love with one of his outside lovers, so Cassie insisted that he break off the relationship because it threatened the primary couple relationship.
What are the advantages and disadvantages of open relationships?
This model is popular because it is the model most similar to traditional marriage and does not threaten the primacy of the couple. For most married or de facto couples, it is not such a stretch to have a few outside relationships as long as they know that the primary commitment is to the marriage. They can still be married, have children, live together, be socially acceptable, and "live a normal life", keeping their outside relationships secret from friends and family. It doesn’t require making any radical changes in your lifestyle or your social values. One major benefit for many couples is that they feel secure that they won’t be abandoned, because their spouse has agreed that outside relationships will be secondary. This is simpler and easier to organise logistically than other forms of open relationships. If there is any conflict over time, loyalty or commitment, the spouse always gets priority.
However, a major drawback of this model is that outside relationships are not so simple or easy to predict or control. Having a sexual relationship with someone else often leads to becoming emotionally involved and even falling in love, frequently causing a crisis in the primary relationship and even divorce. Initiating a sexual relationship is opening a door to many possibilities, and often secondary relationships grow into something else which does not fit neatly into the confines of this model. Many people who become "secondary" lovers become angry at being subjugated to the couple, and demand equality or end the relationship. For this model to be successful, couples must be very convinced that their relationship is strong enough to weather these ups and downs.
Is it for you though?
There are many different types of open relationships. Some models will fit your needs much better than others. To identify your preferred model, ask yourself some tough questions: How much security do you need to feel safe in a relationship? Do you need to feel that you’re "Number One", or can you share that priority with other lovers?
For you to be happy in open relationships of any kind, you must first know what you want and which model will be most likely to work for you. Secondly, you must be able to articulately communicate what you want to potential partners in an honest and clear way. And last, but certainly not least, it is crucial to pick partners who want the same type of relationship and are comfortable with your rules. Excellent interpersonal and communications skills go a long way towards achieving these goals, along with a willingness to negotiate to satisfy everyone’s needs. Following these steps will maximise your chances of developing satisfying and successful open relationships.
Common responses to the idea of open relationships are: "They don’t really exist"; "No one I know has tried that"; and "There’s no way it could possibly work out". In fact, many successful models of open relationships do exist, with the most common type being where a couple maintains a primary relationship with each other, but also a secondary relationship with one or more people outside of the primary relationship.
The primary/secondary model is by far the most commonly practiced form of open relationship and it is the most similar to a monogamous relationship. It is most frequently practiced by married people or other couples in long-term relationships. In this model, the couple decides that their relationship will have precedence over any outside relationships. The couple lives together and forms the primary family unit, while other relationships receive less time and priority. No outside relationship is allowed to become equal in importance to the primary relationship. The couple makes the rules; secondary lovers have little power over decisions and are not allowed to negotiate for what they want.
This model of open relationships are often experienced in the following ways:
Heterosexual couples who are swingers
These couples attend sex parties or meet sexual partners through personals ads or through various activities and networks. Some couples only have sex with other couples, others seek another man or woman for threesomes, and only have sexual adventures with their spouse present. Other straight couples allow either spouse to have recreational sex with other partners without the spouse present, but this is strictly sex and no emotional involvement or commitment is allowed. Gay male couples may also engage in this type of open relationships.
For example, Julia (32) and Tim (37) are a straight, married couple. They use Internet personals to meet people, and have sex only with other couples, together as a foursome. In contrast, Rae (39) and Brian (38) live together. Rae goes to sex parties and has anonymous sex with other men while Brian likes to pick up women in bars.
Heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual couples who are not swingers
These are couples of any and all sexual orientations who allow each other to have outside sexual relationships, either casual or long-term. These outside relationships are still considered secondary, and if any conflict develops, the primary relationship will take precedence. Usually the couple lives together, shares finances, spends weekends, holidays, and vacations together. The outside lovers usually do not live with them, spend much less time together, have very little voice in decisions and rule-making, and must arrange scheduling around the demands of the primary relationship. Some couples have rules that each spouse has veto power over any new lovers that his or her spouse may choose. In other words, if a woman is interested in a relationship with a new man, her husband has the power to veto that relationship before it starts, for any reason. Other couples allow each person to sleep with whomever they choose, but make rules about how much time they can spend with their other lovers, whether they can spend the night away from home, whether they can spend any weekend time with them, and other restrictions on these relationships.
For example, Cassie (29) and Tom (41) live together. Cassie has a long-term sexual relationship with her friend Melanie, who spends afternoons with Cassie while Tom is at work. Tom has a series of short-term relationships with women he meets on the Internet. However, once Tom fell in love with one of his outside lovers, so Cassie insisted that he break off the relationship because it threatened the primary couple relationship.
What are the advantages and disadvantages of open relationships?
This model is popular because it is the model most similar to traditional marriage and does not threaten the primacy of the couple. For most married or de facto couples, it is not such a stretch to have a few outside relationships as long as they know that the primary commitment is to the marriage. They can still be married, have children, live together, be socially acceptable, and "live a normal life", keeping their outside relationships secret from friends and family. It doesn’t require making any radical changes in your lifestyle or your social values. One major benefit for many couples is that they feel secure that they won’t be abandoned, because their spouse has agreed that outside relationships will be secondary. This is simpler and easier to organise logistically than other forms of open relationships. If there is any conflict over time, loyalty or commitment, the spouse always gets priority.
However, a major drawback of this model is that outside relationships are not so simple or easy to predict or control. Having a sexual relationship with someone else often leads to becoming emotionally involved and even falling in love, frequently causing a crisis in the primary relationship and even divorce. Initiating a sexual relationship is opening a door to many possibilities, and often secondary relationships grow into something else which does not fit neatly into the confines of this model. Many people who become "secondary" lovers become angry at being subjugated to the couple, and demand equality or end the relationship. For this model to be successful, couples must be very convinced that their relationship is strong enough to weather these ups and downs.
Is it for you though?
There are many different types of open relationships. Some models will fit your needs much better than others. To identify your preferred model, ask yourself some tough questions: How much security do you need to feel safe in a relationship? Do you need to feel that you’re "Number One", or can you share that priority with other lovers?
For you to be happy in open relationships of any kind, you must first know what you want and which model will be most likely to work for you. Secondly, you must be able to articulately communicate what you want to potential partners in an honest and clear way. And last, but certainly not least, it is crucial to pick partners who want the same type of relationship and are comfortable with your rules. Excellent interpersonal and communications skills go a long way towards achieving these goals, along with a willingness to negotiate to satisfy everyone’s needs. Following these steps will maximise your chances of developing satisfying and successful open relationships.
