Articles
It seems that a handful of couples from the RedHotPie forums aren't having as good a time as they could be,...
Alison Cox | July 22 2010
We're *All* Hot!
It seems that a handful of couples from the RedHotPie forums aren't having as good a time as they could be, largely due to the perceived superficiality of other couples and singles who see fit to deem them hot, or not. People being superficial? Really? Get outta here. All jokes aside, it really does seem that a lot of lovely couples are feeling disappointed, disillusioned and downright unattractive due to being rejected solely on looks. Furthermore, when you're rejected time and time again for the same reason, you can't help but feel that you've grown a second head you weren't aware of, or that our society is becoming more and more looks oriented.
Are people a bit unrealistic?
Let's face it. Most of us mere mortals can't hope to compete with Brangelina and the ranks of the über-hot. In all reality though, how often do you actually run into people like that in general, much less in a smaller sample of the population that is the swingers scene? Isn't it therefore a bit unrealistic to expect awe-inspiring beauty from everyone you meet in the scene? Furthermore, the likelihood of two partners from a couple both being drop-dead gorgeous AND hooking up with an equally beauteous couple seems really unlikely. I think for every one such super-pairing, there would be hundreds of other regular folk on various scales of attractiveness. And guess what? I reckon they'd be having as much (if not more) fun as the so-called beautiful people.
So what is being 'hot' all about?
To me personally, being hot suggests that a person is lust-worthy and makes everyone instantly want to jump all over them. This may be because that person is physically very attractive or it may be because they have that certain something about them; a sexy smile, easy-going personality and so on.
What rates as hot is very often entirely subjective but to some extent there are some common ideas on what constitutes hot, such as an athletic body, a beautiful face or perfect round breasts. The more a person's definition of hot deviates from those common ideas, the more they are likely to be superficial and picky about who they want to shag (and ironically irrespective of how hot they themselves may be perceived!). Suddenly the guy who has a triathlete's physique may not be so hot because his face is full of freckles, or the perky 12B boobies aren't that appealing up against a set of DD melons. The benchmark of 'hotness' keeps shifting and in that process some people feel like they fall well under the accepted norm of what is hot.
Dealing with rejection
For couples who simply want to meet some nice people, not meeting the hot criteria for what seems to be the good majority of other couples and singles can lead to a horrible sense of rejection, especially when you can only rely on your RedHotPie profile and photos to appeal to the masses. It's certainly a nasty slap to the self-esteem when messages are unanswered once private gallery photos are shared, or especially when some couples take it upon themselves to let them know that they are well and truly not their type. Some people are just needlessly cruel and one wonders if perhaps there's something far more wrong with them than just their superficial views.
It isn't nice to be thought of as unattractive but in all honesty, it's best not to take that sort of rejection too personally. What one couple doesn't find sexually attractive may ring all the right bells for another. It may even be just one minor point that turns a couple off (facial hair, extra padding etc.) which isn't something you can (or should) change. Picky couples and singles inevitably don't meet as many people as they could and that is entirely their problem, not yours. Just move on to other people instead. Hold your head up high and keep your confidence levels up. Happy and confident people are always attractive.
Also, don't forget that swinging involves four people (often more!) and sometimes it's important that everyone is attracted to each other (even if the guys or girls are not bi). That means the margin for non-attraction is higher and all the more reason you shouldn't take rejection too badly. Sometimes the bi-curious female partner of one couple is attracted to the other male but isn't sexually interested in his openly bisexual partner. Maybe one male partner reminds the other male of his late grandfather? So many factors can prevent a match.
What if you're not everyone's cup of tea?
OK. So you have written to virtually everyone on RedHotPie and still no hope of a hot date? If it's clear that people aren't impressed by your profile and photos (because they're not responding to you or they've actually said you're not appealing), then it may be time to pimp up your profile. Often people are rebuffed not so much due to lack of physical attractiveness but because of plain horrible presentation. You may be loading up the wrong photos (ie - hubby in his work gear swigging beer on the back porch while his missus waters the lawn in her dressing gown). Perhaps the photos of you just don't do you justice at all? Maybe you're unshaven (face!) or your hair could have done with a wash? Take note of your profile write-up, username and messages too. Perhaps you come across as dull, brash or crude? Perhaps you've given up your more private shots too soon and it's freaked the other party out? There are many possibilities and instead of throwing in the towel, give your profile some attention and see if that gets your foot in the door.
If on the other hand you are well aware that your looks are not your strong point, then you do need to work just that bit harder to let your personalities shine through. Get your best photos up and make sure your profile describes a fabulous duo that just simply must be met. Be friendly and cheeky and avoid words like average and 'we aren't supermodels'. Just list your positives.
Is it wrong to want to meet 'hot' people?
If this article has so far suggested that you're shallow human beings for wanting to shag only attractive people then that is not its intent. There's nothing wrong with lusting after hotties and indeed, no one should ever have sex with people that they aren't attracted to. I'm probably trying to drive the point that we all need to get our perspectives in check every so often. If you have struck gold with meeting good-lookers from the get go, you may be less enthusiastic about dating comparatively less attractive people, which sadly leaves a lot of nice people without dates and feeling ugly until they get their groove on and starting meeting people themselves. This is rather ironic given the people who get rejected may have been ideal matches prior to benchmarks getting set. On the flipside, those 'not so hot' people may look at you and wonder why you're rejecting them given they don't perceive you to be any more attractive than they are.
That is not to say that you should ignore physical attraction and meet people willy-nilly in the hopes that your personalities match famously. At the end of the say, swinging is about sex and you will most of the time be guided by physical attraction first. Most couples also don't have the luxury of time to meet absolutely everyone that approaches them so they are most often swayed by profiles and photos (again, presentation is everything). Swinging is unfortunately never as spontaneous as people would like. It takes time to try and find the right couple and in most cases, practicality wins over just 'winging it' most times. If a couple isn't attracted to your profile photos, that's usually that and few people can really blame them. If they had all the time in the world and could meet you in person, it may be a completely different story.
So the next time you get a response from a couple who hints that there is no attraction, then take that at face value. There is a huge difference between not being attracted to someone and not being attractive. Everyone has their own unique blend of hotness; some more readily consumed than others. Apply your own experiences of rejection and approach couples who you may not otherwise messaged based on their profile and photos. You may discover some true diamonds in the rough.
Are people a bit unrealistic?
Let's face it. Most of us mere mortals can't hope to compete with Brangelina and the ranks of the über-hot. In all reality though, how often do you actually run into people like that in general, much less in a smaller sample of the population that is the swingers scene? Isn't it therefore a bit unrealistic to expect awe-inspiring beauty from everyone you meet in the scene? Furthermore, the likelihood of two partners from a couple both being drop-dead gorgeous AND hooking up with an equally beauteous couple seems really unlikely. I think for every one such super-pairing, there would be hundreds of other regular folk on various scales of attractiveness. And guess what? I reckon they'd be having as much (if not more) fun as the so-called beautiful people.
So what is being 'hot' all about?
To me personally, being hot suggests that a person is lust-worthy and makes everyone instantly want to jump all over them. This may be because that person is physically very attractive or it may be because they have that certain something about them; a sexy smile, easy-going personality and so on.
What rates as hot is very often entirely subjective but to some extent there are some common ideas on what constitutes hot, such as an athletic body, a beautiful face or perfect round breasts. The more a person's definition of hot deviates from those common ideas, the more they are likely to be superficial and picky about who they want to shag (and ironically irrespective of how hot they themselves may be perceived!). Suddenly the guy who has a triathlete's physique may not be so hot because his face is full of freckles, or the perky 12B boobies aren't that appealing up against a set of DD melons. The benchmark of 'hotness' keeps shifting and in that process some people feel like they fall well under the accepted norm of what is hot.
Dealing with rejection
For couples who simply want to meet some nice people, not meeting the hot criteria for what seems to be the good majority of other couples and singles can lead to a horrible sense of rejection, especially when you can only rely on your RedHotPie profile and photos to appeal to the masses. It's certainly a nasty slap to the self-esteem when messages are unanswered once private gallery photos are shared, or especially when some couples take it upon themselves to let them know that they are well and truly not their type. Some people are just needlessly cruel and one wonders if perhaps there's something far more wrong with them than just their superficial views.
It isn't nice to be thought of as unattractive but in all honesty, it's best not to take that sort of rejection too personally. What one couple doesn't find sexually attractive may ring all the right bells for another. It may even be just one minor point that turns a couple off (facial hair, extra padding etc.) which isn't something you can (or should) change. Picky couples and singles inevitably don't meet as many people as they could and that is entirely their problem, not yours. Just move on to other people instead. Hold your head up high and keep your confidence levels up. Happy and confident people are always attractive.
Also, don't forget that swinging involves four people (often more!) and sometimes it's important that everyone is attracted to each other (even if the guys or girls are not bi). That means the margin for non-attraction is higher and all the more reason you shouldn't take rejection too badly. Sometimes the bi-curious female partner of one couple is attracted to the other male but isn't sexually interested in his openly bisexual partner. Maybe one male partner reminds the other male of his late grandfather? So many factors can prevent a match.
What if you're not everyone's cup of tea?
OK. So you have written to virtually everyone on RedHotPie and still no hope of a hot date? If it's clear that people aren't impressed by your profile and photos (because they're not responding to you or they've actually said you're not appealing), then it may be time to pimp up your profile. Often people are rebuffed not so much due to lack of physical attractiveness but because of plain horrible presentation. You may be loading up the wrong photos (ie - hubby in his work gear swigging beer on the back porch while his missus waters the lawn in her dressing gown). Perhaps the photos of you just don't do you justice at all? Maybe you're unshaven (face!) or your hair could have done with a wash? Take note of your profile write-up, username and messages too. Perhaps you come across as dull, brash or crude? Perhaps you've given up your more private shots too soon and it's freaked the other party out? There are many possibilities and instead of throwing in the towel, give your profile some attention and see if that gets your foot in the door.
If on the other hand you are well aware that your looks are not your strong point, then you do need to work just that bit harder to let your personalities shine through. Get your best photos up and make sure your profile describes a fabulous duo that just simply must be met. Be friendly and cheeky and avoid words like average and 'we aren't supermodels'. Just list your positives.
Is it wrong to want to meet 'hot' people?
If this article has so far suggested that you're shallow human beings for wanting to shag only attractive people then that is not its intent. There's nothing wrong with lusting after hotties and indeed, no one should ever have sex with people that they aren't attracted to. I'm probably trying to drive the point that we all need to get our perspectives in check every so often. If you have struck gold with meeting good-lookers from the get go, you may be less enthusiastic about dating comparatively less attractive people, which sadly leaves a lot of nice people without dates and feeling ugly until they get their groove on and starting meeting people themselves. This is rather ironic given the people who get rejected may have been ideal matches prior to benchmarks getting set. On the flipside, those 'not so hot' people may look at you and wonder why you're rejecting them given they don't perceive you to be any more attractive than they are.
That is not to say that you should ignore physical attraction and meet people willy-nilly in the hopes that your personalities match famously. At the end of the say, swinging is about sex and you will most of the time be guided by physical attraction first. Most couples also don't have the luxury of time to meet absolutely everyone that approaches them so they are most often swayed by profiles and photos (again, presentation is everything). Swinging is unfortunately never as spontaneous as people would like. It takes time to try and find the right couple and in most cases, practicality wins over just 'winging it' most times. If a couple isn't attracted to your profile photos, that's usually that and few people can really blame them. If they had all the time in the world and could meet you in person, it may be a completely different story.
So the next time you get a response from a couple who hints that there is no attraction, then take that at face value. There is a huge difference between not being attracted to someone and not being attractive. Everyone has their own unique blend of hotness; some more readily consumed than others. Apply your own experiences of rejection and approach couples who you may not otherwise messaged based on their profile and photos. You may discover some true diamonds in the rough.
