F38

sub advice

August 24 2015

I have been interested in the D/s dynamic for years -- but , until recently, my exposure was pretty much google searches. Of having an idea of trust and respect, even some less than vanilla fantasies - but then being put off pretty quickly after an afternoon on the old google machine. I am sure everyone here knows what an average search results in - women being gang banged, degraded etc - there doesn't seem to be much respect, or rather, it goes only goes in one direction.

But then I managed to find the guts to approach a couple of mates that I knew where into BDSM, and have been lucky enough that they were welcoming of my questions, and really helpful. It rekindled the hope I had that such a relationship was based on complete and utter trust; that a Dom or Domme isn't someone you should fear, but rather a person that you can feel safe enough with to loose all inhibitions, to trust them so much that you hand yourself over to them - not because you feel like you are subhuman or deserved to be 'owned', but rather because you love and trust someone so much that their pleasure is more important, and that pleasing them is a reward in and of itself.

I don't dream of being degraded (at least, outside of a per-agreed scene, with hard limits established and a Dominant that respects them; one talented and gifted enough to read me as well) or humiliated in my everyday life; I value my intelligence, and am proud of my achievements and obstacles I have overcome.

I know have certain kinks, but when it comes down to it - I want someone I can be completely honest with; someone I trust so much, that I had myself over to them. That I trust to respect my hard boundaries, but push soft limits; Someone so important to me that their pleasure is my aim.

So, I guess that is kinda all over the place -- but basically, I want to explore this world in person, but also, to find out of my idea of a D/s relationship is realistic, or just a pathetic fantasy?

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this.

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RHP User
9 years ago
Im glad you found more actual experience and fact from your friends instead of google. Im sure in time you will find what your looking for and as they say all good things come to those whom wait.
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RHP User
9 years ago
You are protecting your self emotionally and thus set up a barrier that is very difficult for others to cross. As a sub you are still always in control, at any time you can stop the proceeding and say NO which you know inside is true. You are left with the worry, what will they think, and more I am sure.
By far 99% of encounters are far from perfect, far from what is imagined and wanted. You have limited your self with barriers, you resist impulse, and hide need. Like a kid in a candy story, but you will only try and taste if you are sure its perfect, sure you will like it, sure that there is no aftertaste, sure there is plenty if it is really nice. One could very well starve to death in a world crammed with treats.
I say grab them by the hand full, pig out, its not what they look like it is the sensation of their taste, if its not nice, spit it out. If its perfect but the the tray is empty, its not a loss. If you dont make action to try you will only be left to imagine and grow ever more hungry in the process.
Desire is never pathetic, what is, is a life time of need never tasted.
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Haleakala
9 years ago
Is not like most people's reality of a Ds relationship. The is a social media website for kinky people that may give a better insight into what a lot of people's relationships are like and they are very varied.

- Posted from rhpmobile
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Missb4u
9 years ago
and educate yourself well by meeting with other people at the local events. It is possible just hard to find on my experience. Good luck
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RHP User
9 years ago
Submission can have great rewards but you have tofind out what your limits are.Are you a sexual sub that will obey any mans desireAre you a pain sub who likes the fine line between pleasure and painAre you a sub that needs degradation.Its not all black and white but it will help to find aDom who will respect your limits and help guide you on your journey in submission.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Your advertising this on a fuck site. D/s is a relationship, do you want a full time relationship or just a play partner to explore your kink? Not many people are experienced and if they are it's only in certain things. It can be messy and people can get hurt. There are a lot of fucked up wanna be Doms out there, men who have no idea what the fuck they are doing. I recommend reading books by Michael Makai at least.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I am sure you know that porn is totally irrelevant to what this is about. Your main question I think is, is what you are looking for possible or just a pipe dream. The answer is it is extremely possible, it is how it should be. From a Dominants perspective I can tell you a few things that you may not realise. I should also point out that this is my perspective, my view, and others may have different views. I never take anything, I accept what is given to me, willingly, and I accept it with good grace. The most important sex organ is the mind. It is very important that the submissive is getting what he or she needs, because it's a matter of pride to be good at what I do. I have no interest in dominating weak wish you washy people, there is no point to it. Therefore a degraded person is of no value to me. In actual fact you could say that the submisive is actually in control of the dynamic to a certain extent and I'm not talking about topping from the bottom. Because a real dominant male will use his strength to get you to beg him to do to you what he wants to do and he won't do it until you ask very very nicely. If those are things which you find challenging all the better. Last but by no means least it is important to laugh a lot. Obviously you have very little chance of finding the right person on a web site such as this or collarspace. You are going to have to do this in person to get a relationship obviously. If you were wanting to play experimentally as a recreation that can happen online, but you need to be extremely careful, not necessarily because of physical danger rather that most of the male Dominants I have met on line are not up too much. And you may just end up with a lot of unsatisfactory experiences. Good luck with it all Cheers Greg
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RHP User
8 years ago
Interesting post Greg. It sounds as though you have quite some experience. How then does one find someone to experience this with, or are you suggesting it's better to get your partner to learn from within a relationship?
I have wanted to explore this arena for a long time now but as you say, it's very hard to find someone safe and true to do this with. In fact I am not sure how much I like some of the 'domination' stuff, it's more that I like to explore the Boundaries between pleasure and pain. What filter do I set for that?! I hoped over the years that it would come through in a relationship, but alas it has not happened. So I find myself here asking questions!
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'chevtrek' Submission can have great rewards but you have tofind out what your limits are.Are you a sexual sub that will obey any mans desireAre you a pain sub who likes the fine line between pleasure and painAre you a sub that needs degradation.Its not all black and white but it will help to find aDom who will respect your limits and help guide you on your journey in submission. This is a fantastic way to look at your new kink!!
As a beginner sub, I had no clue what I was getting myself into, all I knew was that from my sub/dom relationship, I wanted consistency/a continuous dom rather than chopping and changing. The only way I could figure out how to meet people was through websites, so I proceeded with caution. It can be extremely dangerous meeting a male, who you have told that you want to explore being submissive, there are so many 'wannabe' dominants and looking back it could have gone very pear shaped! Wannabee doms are assholes, they think the whole relationship is based on their wants and needs, its not, a sub should have full control at all times, by that, you may not have physical control, but your dom should understand their sub, they should know your boundaries and all the things you love. At the start, I had to find a dom who was happy to help me find my niche!
Fast forward about 3 doms later/18months and I know exactly what type of sub I am and want and I have 2 doms that I can play with, one I serve for reward (boy oh boy is the reward worth it) and the other who has been in the sub/dom game like I have and is still working on finding his feet and a good balance between degradation and me obeying him, their is such a fine line but I have full trust in him so that certainly helps!
After all that, proceed with caution in the beginning when you don't know what you're in for, you may love the things you now think you hate, you may hate what you think you will love and other things you might simply be happy to compromise on!
Feel free to PM me, I am extremely submissive during d/s playtime so I might be able to help answer some specific questions!
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RHP User
8 years ago
know there is a lot of assholes on there be very careful. Take it slow.
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RHP User
7 years ago
Best advice I can give is find a Dom that is single.....or their partner is already in the lifestyle or know about it....would make things easier

- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
7 years ago
Find someone you trust first, there are so many wannabe doms that think its entirely about degradation and that may not necessarily be the kind of sub you are.
Work out what it is you like with the person you trust. I quickly learned, degradation was not for me at all, I will obey anything my dom asks me to do, however in return I want to be rewarded, the best part is, you get to make all the rules!!
Always set your rules prior to starting, it sounds so rehearsed, but its really helpful in ensuring nothing goes further than you are comfortable with!
Good luck!
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RHP User
6 years ago
I’m on a very very similar journey to yourself. It’s been a very trying and challenging road so far, unfortunately I don’t have friends in the lifestyle to turn to or share my thoughts or feelings.
Mind you, I have made some wonderful connections through this site, just unfortunate were after different things.
I haven’t found FetLife to be very useful for meeting people as yet.
Would you be interested in contacting each other privately sub_curious?

- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
6 years ago
While one can be a submissive - you can not be a sub to any Dom. Submission is only given when respect and trust is earnt by a Dom. When they have your best interest at heart, they want you to grow and shine in confidence. This can be learnt together over time

- Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
6 years ago
I don’t see why there’s so much confusion in this realm. For the same reason most women like dating older men, most women like to be dominated in some fashion. Experience and confidence come with age, both fine qualities in a dom.

Find either an experienced dom or an experienced man which should translate.

I think the terms “dom” and “bdsm” may scare a lot of people. Ask a couple who is in charge in the bedroom and you’ll figure out pretty quick the d/s dynamic which will no doubt be present in 80%+ of relationships.

- Posted from rhpmobile
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curiousnhorny05
6 years ago
Might I suggest you start a potential dom relationship with standard vanilla sex and then add in whatever dimension you like. Then you can go step by step and stop if you realise it’s not your cup of tea. Like others have said the mind fuck is a beautiful thing. Hard to achieve but very pleasurable. All the best in your quest

- Posted from rhpmobile
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