Your thoughts on marriage

Your thoughts on marriage

    | Mar 05, 2017
Just came home from a cousins wedding in the country and although it was a pretty good wedding, we had laughs, drinks flowed and everyone was really enjoying themselves. I guess I need to ask the question, is it worth it?

With all the planning, stress and arguments was setting it up worth it?

Then after is marriage about tolerating each others crap? so many people in my generation hide their marriage issues, they lie or secretly fight and don't deal with the real issues (this is what I see) yet my parents they can go through some serious shit and still be together, divorce or separation is not even on the cards. They deal with it and move on.

I've never been married, not even engaged and most of my relationships fail due to not being able to be myself. I don't hide who I am anymore and has raised some issues. I walked back to my room last night and contemplated where I am and I really don't think marriage is for me.

Are we too picky?
High expectations?

What is everyones view?
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DynamicCouple36  

Couple Man 46yrs Woman 38yrs

It's not all sunshine & roses

One gets hit by the occasional hail storm, but it's worth it when the sun comes out again.

Both husband and wife need to give 100%.

We got married almost 20 years ago. Several family members said it would not last more than six months.

We are glad we proved them wrong. Here's to the next 20 years !

- Posted from rhpmobile
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Meander   Woman 44yrs

Dirty,

Marriage doesn't interest me whatsoever. I've had opportunities (was even engaged once) and my parents are happily married after 45 years, but it never felt right for me.

Even if I changed my mind, I wouldn't want a wedding. Never quite understood the need to spend money on things like a white dress, and food no one really enjoys (and what is the effing deal with bombonniere?)

I want a partner who chooses every day to be with me, without it being written somewhere that's what he has to do.



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Kittyesque  

Woman 41yrs

Marriage




is a wonderful institution providing you're married to the right person and prepared to work at it every day for the rest of your time together. The trick is finding that right person among the 7 billion inhabitants on this earth, but really , how do you ever know that this person is the one, when the one may still be out there. Do we just buy into the romance and promise of it all ?


Personally I think there are those, who are ideal for you at certain periods in your life, but I think you're damn lucky to find that all encompassing person who will be the right person for you all of your life. Some do find this exceptional soul, but most of us don't.


Yeah I've been married, but never again, because it never gave me what I wanted and needed. I found that within myself in times of adversity.


Divorce is so readily available that there's a easy out whenever you want.


The whole wedding scenario, the act of getting married is still alive and thriving but marriage itself, I think is a outdated concept.







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oralcpl

Love It

Have been married 20 years and each year just gets better as we get older.
Love between a man and woman that is truly strong is unbreakable.


- Posted from rhpmobile
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Marriage

I'm far too cynical to answer this question except to say I think it is a concept rapidly approaching its use by date.
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pomidave   Couple Man 46yrs Woman 35yrs

Marriage

Fuck man sounds like you need a mate
Marriage is not for everyone but I believe that there is someone out there for everyone.
There are many different things that go to make a good marriage the first thing is you have to be true to your self before you get married and put your cards on the table so everyone knows what there getting in to

- Posted from rhpmobile
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So true




Quoting 'pomidave'

Fuck man sounds like you need a mate

Marriage is not for everyone but I believe that there is someone out there for everyone.

There are many different things that go to make a good marriage the first thing is you have to be true to your self before you get married and put your cards on the table so everyone knows what there getting in to

- Posted from rhpmobile
I completely agree there, I could probably say I've only be true to myself in a relationship once, the rest has been to make sure they like me and do what I can to make them happy, but that door swings both ways. I always get a little reserved sharing things about me in fear of judgment and that's just through actual bad experiences sharing.

See I love sex, it's very important to me, it's not the most important thing,but very high up there. I'm not a very materialistic person I used to be, but after travelling and trying new things I'd rather be with someone who will go on that journey with me. Sadly I'm not finding that person.
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PurePeony   Woman 42yrs

Marriage vs Wedding

I love the idea of marriage, if and when I do meet someone who is a great match and a compatible partner. I've always visualised myself as a gazelle and my ideal mate as a fellow gazelle who is able to keep pace and run alongside me.

However, as you can probably gather from my Together Apart thread, I'm not into the conventional marriage. I believe in being committed to each other, but I do not enjoy clingy / cloying relationships. I need a lot of freedom and breathing space and it would be ideal if we either live in our own abode, or we have our respective Man Cave and my Fox Den to retreat to. If I'm ever clingy, it's a bad sign because it usually means that I distrust the guy. :P

Weddings, on the other hand, scare the bejesus out of me! I think it's insanity the amount of money people spend on their weddings! In an article in The Age a few years ago, it was revealed that the personal loans taken out to fund some folks' weddings actually outlast the marriage! :P

I'd rather adopt a more sensible and practical approach - sink the funds into a deposit for a property, or spend it on a luxurious honeymoon. I'm not into the wedding fiasco at all. In fact, I'd like a small, intimate wedding or better still, exchange marriage vows in an intimate setting and then throw a party where no one knows it's a wedding party until they arrive! And forget about spending tons on a silly ring - I'd rather the money be sunk into building me my dream kitchen or a walk-in-wardrobe or a gazebo!

I'd make a very uncomfortable bride because all that dolled up to the nine's thing just scares me. I'd feel quite surreal and claustrophobic with all the fuss around how the bride looks on that day. Now that mum's no longer around, it's worse cause there'll be no one who'll help to fuss around me and help deflect a bit of the stress so I'd rather not go there.

OP, are we too picky? Nope... however picky we are, we are just being authentic. ;) Better to be picky than desperate, don't you think?

High expectations? Maybe. It's more an unwillingness to compromise. I suppose if one is living pretty comfortably by oneself and is very independant, it will take a lot to convince them to adapt to a partnership where they'll have to consider someone else's opinions, likes and dislikes, etc in every decision that they make. Since we all live highly stressed lives these days, with work placing huge demands on everyone, taking on extra stress outside of work can be the straw that breaks the camel's back. When I'm home after a long, tough day at work, I don't necessarily want to put up with someone's moodiness or tantrums or indecisiveness or sulkiness. (And yes, men can be moody and dour too. :P And men can also do the "What's wrong, honey?", "Nothing..." crazy shit when things are obviously not ok. :P) Most of the time, I just want to have a quiet dinner, unwind with a drink (non-alcoholic / low alcohol levels) and then head to bed for a restful night of sleep before the whole crazy cycle starts again. Preferably, we can squeeze in a quickie before heading out the door.

I suspect the problem could be more about when expectations aren't discussed, and there's a collision of expectations. It's so much better to have years of friendship before embarking on the marriage journey because if you aren't best friends with each other, it's going to be one huge hurdle of a journey together.
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starlet1  

Couple Man 37yrs Woman 34yrs

Each to their own

But it works incredibly well for us. We're 100% committed, love each other silly, really really like each other and work towards a common goal (kids and each other).

If you want to go down this path, finding the right person is a challenge - the first step is knowing yourself.

A great alternative question though is "monogamous marriage - is it worth it?".

- Posted from rhpmobile
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Betty7216   Woman 44yrs

Mixed for me

I have been with my husband for 23 years, married for 19. We have had SO many ups and downs, almost didn't survive, but now communicate, like each other and love more than we ever have.

We had the big country wedding, but were absolutely focused on each other and not on the crap surrounding us (we spent less on our entire wedding, including dress, than our friends spent on their flowers *insert massive eye roll*). We were very much the products of our upbringings, and followed the preordained paths set before us. Still, it was never about 'The Day" for me.

I love my husband, and hope that we continue to grow, love, laugh and stray often ;) That being said, I can't imagine choosing to live with someone again, should this relationship end. I was going to say that I'm a very different person than I was 20 years ago, but I'm not so different, just very much more aware of who I am and what I need. I am also prepared to ask for what I need, and fight for myself.

While I'm not monogamous, I appreciate that some people are. I just believe it should be a choice, rather than 'the norm' dictated by society as a means of controlling us rowdy lot

I know, without doubt, that my marriage wouldn't have survived if I hadn't discovered Pie, and in doing so, discovered myself, and found the courage to be the me I should have always been. The fact that my husband's reaction was "Ok, this makes sense, I can see that this is who you have always been" kinda helped too


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KillerHeelz   Woman 44yrs

A wedding is not marriage...

It always amuses me when people get engaged but have no plans to get married. Have a wedding - yes - get married - not so much.

Marriage is not for everyone. Is it an outmoded concept? Possibly. It is still, however, a way to show commitment between two people. Perhaps that is why it is important for the LGBT community to have equal rights to marry.

My parents have been married for 60 years and his for nearly 50 (his dad was widowed). Both sets of parents were childhood sweethearts and devoted to each other. Doesn't mean everything was rosy and each set had/have their issues. Length of marriage for both..... Generational - definitely. Partnerships - yes.

I was married a long time and I have two wonderful adult children. I left home after they left as it was no longer a marriage - and hadn't been for a long time. I won't go into the reasons here but no third parties were involved.

I pride myself on keeping a promise and it took a lot to leave. Do I still believe in marriage? Yes I do. Will I ever get married again? Very unlikely. Committed relationship? Possibly.

In any committed relationship both parties have to be prepared to compromise and work together. Communication is a key factor as are common values, morals and ethics. The decision to have children and how to bring them up is also a joint one. Is marriage necessary? No I don't think so. Is it a commitment? I would hope it is. Does it have to be a prison? No. People change, times change, feelings change.

Thank goodness we are all different.

Good luck and health to all - no matter what you choose to do.

KHx
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norush66a   Woman 51yrs

For me

Marriage is such an old fashioned institution and it still shocks me when I hear of people getting married nowadays.

It does not make a couple stronger or work harder at their relationship. I find with some of my friends it has been the catalyst to the end of their relationship. An example is one couple who lived together happily for about 5 years, married (cost them over $50000) divorced 2 years later. And yes they still could of seperated if not married but they would have been a little richer :) The wife told me as soon as they married she felt like a possession...ie. no wife of mine is getting any more tattoos etc etc.
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Atomiccouple  

Couple Man 40yrs Woman 40yrs

Marriage

Is definitely not for everyone... I respect people who decide not to get married for whatever reason. Especially considering how readily people cause so much heart ache to spouses and children etc. My parents had such a shitty relationship and still together. I guess I learnt what not to do. My partner had great role models. His folks were happy till death parted them.

19 years and I still adore my man. Monogamy is said to be b/s but I could live happily ever after with my soul mate. But this new path has been fun. I think it can only work if your relationship is rock solid.


D&F, Saying your relationships fail, because you are not allowed to be yourself... Well done! Your partner is supposed to bring out the best in you and appreciate you for who you are. Otherwise as you have wisely decided no point in trying to change to please someone else.

The wedding thing. I think it's totally unnecessary.

Then again... Marriage is probably unnecessary too. But I consider myself lucky. I love sharing my life with someone I like, love and respect.

- Posted from rhpmobile
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Champagnesunsets

If....

2 people want to make that commitment to each other then its up to them. I personally wont get married again but not because I dont believe in it, because Ive done that and it didnt work out for me. I dont see the need for me to get into that again. But if other people want to do it then good luck to them and its their choice and their lives.
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EarthQueen   Woman 46yrs

Marriage

Since my marriage has ended I have reflected on this a lot. I had some beautiful times with my husband and we loved each other a lot until the last few years. However your comment about not changing who you are struck a chord with me. Unless you are careful I feel personally this was the biggest issue for me in my marriage. Slowly over time and I'm not even sure how it happens that in many subtle way you alter who you are to try and make the other person happy. By the time its over you can end up not even knowing who you are any more. Now Im alone that is like a huge weight off my shoulders in that I can just be myself and not have to worry about his issues anymore. I feel way happier and much more on an even keel emotionally.

High expectations? Yes the pressure is on to find the one who is supposedly perfect for you but to be honest I look at many people I know and wonder if they are happy in their marriage. I can't think of one couple I know well where I look at them together and think wow that is a union where there is so much mutual respect and the freedom to be who they really are with support and love.

I don't agree with one of the comments that divorce is easy and simple to get. To unravel a life together is complicated, emotional and expensive especially with kids in the mix. If we were all cashed up I think there would be way more divorce as money seems to be one of the issues that stops people moving on and the financial hit you can take can be big.

At this point getting married again does not seem like an option. Growing old alone also does not seem like a great option either though. I do miss the companionship and sex that comes with having a partner. Maybe he can have his place, I can have mine and we both have the space and time to be our own person so that when we do spend time together its golden and stays fresh.

I don't look back at my marriage with regret as we had many wonderful times but when it started to go sour we should have ended it sooner. There is a lot of pressure to stay together once you have made the commitment. Sometimes its doesn't work out and thats OK. Let them go with love and move on.
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Lovinit28andKC72   Couple Man 45yrs Woman 48yrs

I got married once.

About 19 years ago, I've been divorced for 17years now, I wasn't very good at it apparently, so I never did it again. That's my opinion on marriage for myself....
I do love a good wedding tho, the romantic aspect of the whole thing, from how beautiful everyone looks, the vows, the way they look at each other, the flowers, the food, everything. I went to a wedding in New Zealand a month ago, possibly one of the loveliest weddings I have ever been to.

Marriage isn't for everyone, it's like having children and there is nothing wrong with that, there's to much pressure for people to conform to what they think is expected of them. At the end of the day it's about being happy, doing what makes you happy and you are the only one that has control over you happiness. 💋
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GM4alaugh   Man 51yrs

As someone once said

Marriage is a wonderful institution.
But not everyone wants to live in an institution.

Said a long long time ago by a man who never married

- Posted from rhpmobile
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ChasinMidnight   Man 53yrs

Marriage is a great institution...




...for those that want or need to be institutionalized.


'Nuf said..... CM

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RichardJohnsXX   Man 39yrs

Outdated but still has its place

Interesting topic...
I think marriage was really useful back in the day when you had to figure out who got the cows. When there were no DNA tests and you wanted to be sure that your progeny got your legacy, when you wanted the protection and acceptance of your village etc it all made sense. I still think that raising children is really hard and that marriage is one form of commitment that you are prepared to weather those tough years together. Its also still much more socially acceptable... "This is my wife ___" vs "This is one of my Polyamorous life partners ___" opens up a very different conversation.
But when marriage is so easy to step in and out of and as gender financial equity becomes more balanced I think we are seeing marriage moving from "til death do us part" into being "til I revert to caring more about myself than us". Primarily, I think we heap way too much on our spouses / life partners; financial, laundry, romance, social, counsellor, parenting, renovations and then sex!... way too much!
Like religion marriage is now a choice and its losing favour in society. It will be unlikely to die but I do see it continuing to diminish. Maybe we should move to marriage rentals... you get the option to renew every 7 years!
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DynamicCouple36  

Couple Man 46yrs Woman 38yrs

Weddings





We think that a lot of pressure, & emphasis, is placed on the actual wedding ceremony & reception, which seems to have become (in many cases) more about the guests & family, than the bride & groom, and it often turns into a drinking and eating frenzy. We know that the thought of it, never mind the family politics and expense, really stressed us both out.

We drove 2000km into the desert, to get married. We had a small intimate wedding of just 7 people, followed by an informal get together and BBQ, believe it or not.

Mr D drove Mrs D to the "church", and even did her flower bouquet (which was quite an achievement as there were not many flowers available in the nearest 'one horse' town )

We broke all the rules, and even had our 'honeymoon' 7 months before we got married.

At the end of the day, it was our special time, and we enjoyed it and made fond memories. That's all that really matters. Perhaps we were just selfish.

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