Trust

Trust

    | Feb 26, 2017
ElkeM  

Woman 46yrs
I made some comments on another forum about my trust issues, and it's prompted me to post a separate topic in the hope of learning something from you all 🙂


I am absolutely incapable of trusting men. When a relationship starts to become more serious than casual, I turn into an insecure, jealous mess. While it may not be the only reason I haven't been able to sustain a committed LTR since I split from my ex (13 years ago now), it's definitely a major contributing factor.


I don't have a problem with my FWB's... it's assumed, and usually explicitly known, that they have other lovers, and I'm fine with that. I like them and I respect them, but the predominant motivator for the relationships that I have with them is sexual. However, as soon as I meet someone that I feel I could have a serious emotional attachment to and my heart becomes involved, my lack of trust kicks in big time.


So, I'm curious to know:


Have you ever had your trust in someone broken - be it a lover/partner/spouse or a friend, parent, teacher or someone else that was a major figure in your life?


How did they break your trust?


Were you able to work past the issue and trust them again? If so, how?


Do you still have trust issues in general? If not, how did you get to that point? If you do, how are you working through it?
Feb 26, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
cavey50   Man 57yrs

uuummmm...




ok.. I have trust issues...

BUT..

I long ago worked out it was NOT because Women are untrustworthy creatures..

I long ago worked out that men are not untrustworthy creatures too

I worked out that I personally had issues..

My issues are something I OWN.. personally..

I have no need to blame OTHERS.. male, female or anything in-between for my issues..



Just saying folks..

IF you have commitment issues.. co dependency issues... trust issues...

Then look inside first..

And don't automatically BLAME the other gender.. the other race.. the other person..

Feb 26, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
ElkeM  

Woman 46yrs

Cavey

Totally agree... my trust issues are exactly that, my issues. And the only person that can fix those issues is me. Hence my questions - I want to know how other people have dealt with it and the strategies they used. Hoping that I'll learn something that I can apply to myself.
Feb 26, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
Hank_E_Panky   Man 63yrs

Trust...

takes years to earn and mere suspicion to lose.
Feb 26, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
Champagnesunsets

Elke

I am the same. My ex was fooling around when he worked away. I didnt suspect anything although he was being ultra attentive and buying me gifts. I was thinking I was a lucky girl! I joined RHP for casual dates and FWBS as I reckoned I could cope with something not too serious. And it worked. I chose much younger guys so nothing could develop. Thought I was smart. But then I met Mr Champers. Without going into detail, I met him off another site and thought I was pretty safe. Like you I had big walls up. But....this damned guy was growing on me and I was scared. I finished what was going on between us. I told a friend of mine and she said to me something like " how can you have any kind of relationship again if you always assume that they will fail down the line?" I had a think about it. Soul destroying as it is at the time, we shouldnt let one guy ruin any chance of future happiness. Luckily Mr kept in touch and we got back together. Now I dont have a clue if its going to last...no one ever knows....but what we have is far too good to throw away on a what if. Im letting someone in and enjoying being happy. Its hard but you have to give someone that chance. Youre a sassy, lovely lady and I hope you meet someone special who can bring down those walls xx
Feb 26, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
KillerHeelz   Woman 44yrs

Two issues here...

Breaking trust is one. How a person responds at the time and into the future is another.

Whether it is a family member, a lover, a spouse, a friend, teacher or another relationship, trust can be broken by that other person. Trust is a delicate thing. Once broken, the relationship is never the same.

Sometimes it can be salvaged others not. It depends on the circumstances and the people involved. However, it doesn't matter how much glue you use, the cracks are still there.

Sometimes there is nothing left to glue together as trust has been shattered so badly that it can't be fixed.
We are changed by our experiences. How we change is up to us. Do we become more cautious? Less trusting? Or do we allow ourselves to trust others until they show us reason not to. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. Lack of trust can sometimes be a self fulfilling prophecy.

So yes - you can trust again as it is your choice whether you wish to do so. Emotions make our choices more complicated but again it is your choice. How to do it? I can't really help with that. Just go with the flow perhaps. Talk to a trusted friend. get professional help.

Yes - I speak from experience.

Be well

KH x



Feb 26, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
Koolgrey   Man 43yrs

No

I've certainly had my heart broken before...but never from a breach of trust.
I hope I never get to experience that one.
Does that mean I'm too trusting still? Or is it a blessing? I don't know..

Feb 26, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
I_touch_myself2   Woman 53yrs

nice honest topic

First, it's really refreshing to hear you open up and share your fears. I feel like a bit of a fraud posting here because I haven't been on the receiving end of broken trust and monogamy wasn't/isn't a factor for me, neither is jealousy. I have been the one to break trust myself, but that's a unique story, not one I'll put on here, a different situation. I have however, had my heart broken and that was devastating, I just knew I'd lost him, and being with other people wasn't the problem. That sinking feeling when the realisation hits, they're no longer into you, they don't feel the way you do, that's a realisation that can be devastating, particularly when it was so good, and has the potential to be even better. So I stopped it as soon as I sensed that, and then regretted it, and was really angry with myself. I've never cried like that, I was overwhelmed with grief, and felt responsible. Fast forward a significant period of time, it took me a looooong time, and I believe I might have finally got over him. We're now back in contact and friends, which is amazing, I think that helped me arrive where I am now. Losing someone you love is like a death, you grieve for them, miss talking to them every day, the small things, the connection, it's hard, but don't let that stop you trusting again.

I have to ask the question, why monogamy though? Not judging and not wanting to offend, but I'm curious, fascinated actually why people who have been in this lifestyle, wouldn't want to continue with it. I believe monogamy is a recipe for future hurt, and I now like kinky stuff, so turned on by partners who like me being with other people, and me them, I could see myself fitting into a cuckold type relationship or similar. So just curious where that jealousy comes from. Open relationships kind of do away with jealousy issues, if both are comfortable with it. Sorry, this is sounding like a lecture. Anyway, just my thoughts 😃

Feb 27, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
Fourtothefloor

Trust is earnt not given

Well Op this is a major topic that you have brought up.

How to deal with your own insecurities is not easy and I would recommend you don't try doing it by yourself. Seeking out a professional who will listen to you is definitely advised. It helped me when going through rough times and a divorce or two.

Op your not alone on thinking this way.

With counseling and finding an understanding partner who's had similar life experience you can build a normal relationship. Just have to take your time to gain each other's trust and respect. I'd also lay my card's on the table and say who i am, warts and all to the next partner you meet. Men also have insecurities, we just bottle them up most of the time.

I'm still open to a meaningful relationship if i meet the right girl, but that is the key ! To meet the right person.

Feb 27, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
Limited_Editionx   Couple Man 44yrs Woman 39yrs

What exactly is trust?

To me trust is a set of expectations you have put on another person -sometimes without telling them and then they have not done what you wanted/were relying on them doing so it is termed a breach of trust... I tend to not believe in trust as a concept at all... I believe everyone is their own person, everyone acts as they do- you can try to predict the future from past behavioural patterns but you may not be right- and I tend to get angry at myself when I'm not right lol. But it is your choice how you react and what actions you take afterwards. This might sound weird or overly pragmatic ... sorry in advance

Xx Miss L.Ed.
Feb 27, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
WildOrchid80   Woman 36yrs

Trust issues

Yes definitely once you've been broken, taken for granted or abused not easy to have that trust again.

For me you have to be sincere or loyal asf. A woman with trust issues has had too many broken promises, too many heartbreaks, or too many people lying to her. You can't expect her to lower her walls easily.

But yeah it's like a demon inside of you telling you should I or should I not? But then again I have my good & bad side more like an angel & demon so just depends on my mood on the day I guess. 😉

- Posted from rhpmobile
Feb 27, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
Hotwives_Inc   Couple (FF) Woman 48yrs Woman 48yrs

I so hope this makes sense ....

Yes I've experienced it ... yes we've worked past the issue. I certainly didn't like the betrayal but in the clear light of day with the emotions taken out (from me ) I can understand the situation that it arose in. Was it a significant issue? Well we had boundaries around it. Was it significant enough that I'd walk away from a wonderful relationship? absolutely not!!!

Trust is a slippery process for me and it pervades every aspect of my life. I have issues around it because I'm insecure in myself. No one else has responsibility for that but me ... but boy do I struggle. I'm in a poly relationship, one with my husband, a 27 year union and one with my boyfriend, 7 months young ;)

In my marriage, I'm entrusted with ensuring that my marriage gets what it needs, that it continues to thrive and develop. We only became swingers 3 years ago, we had many years establishing our relationship and it withstands anything. Trust is critical to not lose sight of each other and our needs.

In my relationship with my Bf, we are new to this as a couple. It's also an open relationship and so there are more complexities than if in a traditional relationship. I trust my BF implicitly, my struggle is that I have to trust in so many things, especially our relationship and it withstanding 'outside influences' and the tyranny of distance as we develop as a couple also.

Trust issues emerge for me because I'm not used to developing a relationship with so many other external influences. On a strong emotional day, nothing fazes me. On days when I'm feeling insecure, issues arise because I overthink things, I over analyze things, I question myself, my relationship and so the vicious cycle begins.

Luckily, in my relationships I've found two awesome men who communicate well, listen and hear my concerns, tell me when I'm being ridiculous but always help me navigate through rocky ground. In doing so, every time we communicate and deal with issues as they arise in an honest way ... we continue to build trust and my insecurities become less and less pervasive in my relationships :)



Mary xx
Feb 27, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
EarthQueen   Woman 46yrs

Yes have had my trust broken

With my ex-husband and I never thought it would happen to us to be honest, big blindside. He lied to me numerous ways. It was soul shattering and I will never trust him again because he still lies to me frequently and I catch him out so that would be stupid on my part.
However that doesn't mean I would never trust anyone else again. I didn't think I would for a while but I have worked through a lot of those issues through counselling, talking to friends and self help stuff. But I am way less naive and a lot more pragmatic that I used to be. I also pay a lot of attention to my gut feeling on people. I think I am more attuned to shifty behaviour than I have been in the past be it at work or in my personal life.
If you feel like its a major barrier for you though, go and get some help with it. We all have the power to change our own reality and perceptions of things if we want to. It is possible, even though it may seem like a major barrier at the moment. xxoo
Feb 27, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post

Hmmm

Yes I certainly have trust issues and yes I own them, I understand them and I have done countless "therapies" to get over them and to forgive others and myself.

The first cut was from my mother, the second came late in primary school.

I still feel the anger and hurt typing this.

Looking back on my life it's clear that since that time it was my actions that bought things undone in order to prove out those first pains and reactions.

I'm better now because time and introspection have enabled me to witness my own behaviour as it happens and not get sucked in to repeating the negativity.

But It is always with me.
Feb 27, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
PurePeony   Woman 42yrs

Oyster protecting a heart of pearl

That's the way I view myself. I open up to a few and I clam shut with others. Some people are just more trustworthy than others, it's a personality thing. Usually, the common trait amongst these folks would be selflessness, generosity in spirit and in giving their time to others, their sense of responsibility, their morals ... all that determines how dependable they are and hence how much I can trust them. I tend not to trust people who are flighty, restless, show-offish, evidently insincere and selfish.

I suppose because I'm pretty discerning and not gullible most of the time, it has saved me from a lot of hurt. If we misjudge how trustworthy someone is and entrust them with our hearts, we are putting ourselves at risk. I won't go there if I think it's too risky to trust someone.

I can recall two recent situations in the last few years where my trust was broken in the relationship context - I believed what the guys declared and insisted to be true, ie. their strong feelings for me and their desire to have me around in their lives, only to have them abruptly turn on their heels and do the cowardly ghosting thing once I decided to trust them.

I felt really stupid, hurt and used. I hate doing dumb things like letting my guard down to trust people whom I shouldn't have trusted in the first place. I hate being made to look gullible and realising that I've been had. To answer your question about whether I'd be able to trust these people again - No. Once bitten, twice shy. I was vulnerable and chose to believe in someone's declarations of sincerity, intent, etc and that has a certain element of insincerity and perhaps even fraudulence. You start to question, were they saying all those nice things to you just so they could have their way with you? Or were they sincere at that point in time but something happened to change their minds? Whatever it was, as long as they do not offer clear explanations, aren't open with communication, are evasive or have disappeared, the trust that had been broken is perhaps best left as it is. Sure the trust can be re-established but it would take open communication, dedication, etc to rebuild the trust. Trust that's been broken are like barnacles - very hard to get rid of and is it really worth the trouble?

As to your question about whether I might have trust issues in general, the answer is nope. I continue to be pretty guarded and suspicious of new and unfamiliar people, which is my usual code anyway, but I have no qualms trusting people who have proven to be trustworthy and reliable, people who have strength of character, are sensible and very grounded. I'm really lucky to be surrounded by good peeps that way. My support network of friends and ex FWB's / ex bf's is pretty strong and sturdy so I do not have crippling trust issues unless we are talking about strangers and unfamiliar people.

I do go by the "better safe than sorry" mantra and recently, in my workplace, I was stunned when a colleague handed his ATM card to another when he wanted to shout coffee for all of us, so that she could go place the orders and make payment using PayWave. I don't think I'd ever hand anyone my ATM card! Two ex bf's have entrusted me with their ATM cards AND PIN number though, which I found really really complimentary because they had so much faith in my character and my trustworthiness. Strangely enough, I've always been nominated as Treasurer in school committees and such because quite a few people have said that I have a trustworthy vibe / look. I think some people are just more trusting than others.

ElkeM, I can understand why you would find it hard to trust men after being wounded. But don't let the past ruin your future. People are all different and meeting a few cads does not mean ALL men are cads. There are still gentlemen out there and I hope you'll get to meet more and more trustworthy guys. Our natural tendency is to prevent future hurts and pain from happening but we can't be so guarded that we deprive ourselves of any chances at potential happiness and bliss. I take a courageous approach to taking risks and facing down fears - the more I fear an issue, the more I confront it and deal with it face-on so that eventually, I realise that hey, the threat is not that bad and I can survive it! But don't force anything - when you are ready, you are ready. ;) Take as long as you need to heal from your wounds. :)

A great skill to develop is to listen to our instincts, our "gut feelings" and 6th sense, and never wave down any red flag that appears in our communication with guys. It's a sort of proactive protection against men who are dodgy characters.

Wonderful topic, OP!




Feb 27, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
Hornyalltime72   Woman 41yrs

Lie is still a lie

If something is purposefully not communicated.
Always work on yourself after having a painful experience. Eventually you will attract what you need and deserve. Even if it's a life lesson of sorts.
Forgive, move forward and protect yourself first by listening to how you feel about the situation you are in. If it is not healthy then move on, things always change. Be nice to think people can also change sometimes hmmmmm......Hope is greater than fear they say ❤️❤️❤️❤️

- Posted from rhpmobile
Feb 27, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
ElkeM  

Woman 46yrs

Thanks

Thank you to everyone who has responded thus far. I'm blown away by your honesty and willingness to share your own experiences.

There's a lot in your responses for me to take hope from, and also some great advice as well.

You guys are awesome 😘
Feb 28, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
LaFemmeFontaine   Woman 42yrs

Without going too Freudian on your arse...

Is there a primal wound that has neen left undealt with? I'd be curious to know if you do in fact have trust issues or attachment or dependency issues?

Trust is always relative. There are some things I trust with people and other things I do not. Conetext is important.

Within the boundaries of a lover...I suppose that depends on how honest you are being with yourself about your own needs and desires.

Baggage is a pain in the arse but we all have some. Finding lovers who can match thier Hugo Boss to your Louise Vuitton is where is at. Feeling safe to unpack with beautiful friends & understanding lovers can be a wonderfully healing experience. I don't mind baggage, the carry on variety but if someone is still legging out of the case - I would have to give it some thought.

Knowing our shadow selves and dark places is important, learning and healing also. I admire that you are on your journey doing it. Thank you for sharing, it was a topic I needed to wade through a little myself.

Femme 💋

- Posted from rhpmobile
Feb 28, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post

Baggage

you often see in profiles people wanting partners with no baggage.
Baggage means you have lived and is not a bad thing, as long as it's neatly packed in the hall closet and not strewn all over the bedroom floor waiting to trip someone.
Feb 28, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
lovman8   Man 65yrs

Lack of trust of us men.......

It saddens and disappoints me that my sex suffers from a great lack of trust. What saddens me and disappoints me even more is I totally understand why this is a problem as I think as a gender we don't earn the respect we should or once did.
ElkeM I only hope you can gradually come to respect a little and give a little of your trust to some men who earn the right to receive it and that you are not let down or disappointed.
Feb 28, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
PurePeony   Woman 42yrs

Lovman8

Love what you have written. Your generation had a lot of gentlemen who had a high moral code and are accountable and respectable. To use an illustration, your generation would be expected to demonstrate an ability to pay for the meal before orcering it.



These days, most men want to wolf down the grand buffet, and then sneak off before the bill arrives. :P



Generalization, of course! There are still gentlemen around, but they are few and far between. Too much flippancy, and not enough care and consideration.



Post Your Comments

  • Please do not post Party or Event details.
    The Adult Forums are not for the posting or organising of parties and events and as such will not be approved.
  • Please do not post anything that defames or villifies.
    We reserve the right to delete any post deemed inappropriate for this Forum, at any time.
Please login to Post a comment.

Register for free

Username: Password: Confirm Password: Email:

Search Forum Tags Advanced

Adult Forums


Adelaide & SA

Brisbane & QLD

Canberra & ACT

Darwin & NT

Hobart & TAS

Melbourne & VIC

Perth & WA

Sydney & NSW

Get social with us

Get our app

© 2001 - 2017 Digital Quarter Pty Ltd - All Rights Reserved
The word RedHotPie and the RedHotPie logo style are trademarks of Digital Quarter Pty Ltd. RSS