Separating love and sex

Separating love and sex

    | Mar 19, 2017
MsJonesy   Woman 50yrs
I read a newspaper article on cheating and affairs the other day, a topic which can elicit passionate responses both in RL, and here in RHP. This topic is NOT about that vexious topic of cheating...I’m just setting the context of my thought process!

A quote from the article....”our heart is still solid but our bodies are curious”. This is what I want to discuss.....the ideal of being able to separate sexual exploration from matters of love and commitment. I suppose I can could get could get away with saying that this is a core principle of swinging; that sex with others does not (on the whole) include love, that swinging is very much centred on exploration and a desire to have sexy adventures with those who are not your significant other....and to leave the notion of love out of the equation.

Some questions bubble away in my head....

How did you reach the stage where you could make the disconnect between sex and love? Do you find that it is easy to maintain that separateness, or is it sometimes challenging to do so?

Do you have a habit of not seeing play friends more than a couple of times so that there isn’t a possibility of ‘feelings’ developing? Or do you prefer to see the same people often so that a level of intimacy is established...and are confident the separation of sex and love will be maintained?

Hmmm....that last questions makes my brain fizz again with more possible complexities! If you have been able to make that disconnect between sex and love, and venture down the path of swinging ...why is it then necessary to put in place rules such as limiting the number of times you see others; a pattern which is apparent with some swinging couples? Isn’t that saying I trust...but only a little bit? Is the insidious jealousy conundrum only a short step away despite everything? And is jealousy the very thing which indicates the separation of love and sex has not been achieved; or is it different again?

Lots of ideas in this topic, lots of areas which can be explored; feel free to comment on those which interest you. As always however, please respect the right of others to have different opinions, and don’t lambast them for those differences.

Mar 19, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
EarthQueen   Woman 47yrs

Interesting topic

I'm single and haven't really been on here long enough to comment on long term FWB, I guess it depends on the circumstances but if a person is attached I guess in my mind I would be mentally easier to separate your feelings and to put them into the sex box/not going anywhere further.
But the complication with being so intimate with someone is of course you could fall for them. Especially if they were selected on the criteria that they have qualities that you like. Which you would assume to be part of the selection process.
But you have to be smart with your heart and I think if you have been burned hard by someone before it becomes mind over matter. You mentally prepare yourself to not put yourself in the position where you are going to become vulnerable if thats not what you, or they are looking for.
In a couple situation though this is possibly going to become a bit more complicated (I think?) Looking forward to hearing replies because I have wondered the same thing OP.
Mar 19, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post


Very interesting topic

How did I come to separate love and sex? This was a long process, 6-12 months to be honest, to get used to having sex, then walking away, until the next time. Very difficult thing to do. To expand on that, I've had time to ponder this more and I know now the age difference is my barrier if you like, I can't allow myself to feel too much, I love every guy I'm with, I have to, to share intimacy, but love isn't possible.

Do I limit how long I see them? No, I prefer to establish ongoing connections, I haven't been able to find those type of connections lately but was lucky enough to have quite a few, about 6, who I saw for about 2 years and every meet was just as intense as the first. The keepers lol have to maintain that same desire and intensity. Full on love didn't happen but a few I grew very fond of, as you can imagine

Now rules and jealousy? This is an interesting one that I've posted quite string comments about, but to be fair, I can't give a proper opinion about that until I'm with my 'one'. There is someone I have strong feelings for and although I'm very happy with sharing, happy for him to see whoever he wants, I have started to find I don't really want detail. It's hard to listen to that sometimes, happy to have it happen, just not overly interested in the debrief lol

My post will be a bit long, sorry, but some foggy areas with matters of the heart 😃

Mar 19, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post


For the first question, I said I love every guy I'm with but love isn't possible lol what I meant was I love them to a degree but don't fall head over for them 😉
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Couple Man 33yrs Woman 33yrs

Don't hate. Communicate!

Intimacy can be separate from love, but communication is key to making it work. I find the idea of restrictions a bit silly. We want to play together so this is the only reason for our restrictions on our profile but in all honesty we won't stop each other from playing separate either because it feels like a lack of trust and respect.

I trust my partner completely to put our relationship first. I respect that sometimes opportunities present themselves when Im not there to participate.

If your doing something that you don't feel comfortable sharing with your partner you shouldn't do it.

I suppose everyone has their insecurities but when it comes to sharing experiences with your partner you should be an open book. If issues come up they should be addressed straight away and you should be prepared to listen to what your partners needs are.

That's my two cents anyway

- Posted from rhpmobile
Mar 19, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post


Once you seperate love and sex there is no intimacy so what's the point may as well sit down and watch a porno.
The ultimate predator I would call someone who entices them in showing them the Love and then takes it away. Leaving empty sex with one person having a completely wrong picture in there head than the other :) cruel if you ask my opinion but only my opinion.
When you develop enough emotionally to make decision what you want in your life much power to you all :) everyone grows and learns at different stages so no judgement. Xoxo

- Posted from rhpmobile
Mar 19, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post

The heart wants what it wants

I think no matter how much you prepare, set yourself up, agree on "rules", do's and don'ts, open discussion, honest communication, in other words doing and saying all the "right" things to each other. It just happens

You're not looking, not expecting, and bang, someone kisses you and you're gone. And you know it

We control little and we are arrogant to think otherwise, but we do control our response/s to IT

So if you're in a partnership and this happens to you, do the right and best thing by your partner, and tell them what's going down. Respect your partner and what you have with each other.

Discuss, talk, argue even, but work through it till you BOTH reach a outcome that suits you both and yes sometimes they may mean ending a relationship.

But don't cheat, keep it classy

And if you're single and that person's kiss changes the course of your night, your week, your year. Hey, lucky you.


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ElkeM   Woman 47yrs

Separating sex and love

Thought provoking MsJonesy! This is something that I couldn't have imagined being capable of if you'd asked me the question 5 years ago. How times have changed lol.

My lovers are fuck buddies and not FWB's, and that's what makes it possible for me not to fall in love with them. We meet up for sex only... no dinner, drinks, movies or any other social activities. Yes, there's plenty of intimacy, conversation and laughter, and we know and care about what's going on in each other's lives, but the primary motivator for meeting is sex. I would find it hard not to develop feelings for someone that I was doing couple/dating-type activities with.

Obviously, I can't comment from a couple's perspective, but I imagine it would be a lot more complicated. It will be interesting reading the responses.
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Couple Man 44yrs Woman 41yrs

From a couples perspective

It all depends on the relationship, communication and a shared desire to enter the lifestyle because you want to physically explore other people is how we started. But I know some people who are not happy in their current relationship which is what I think(only my opinion, so maybe wrong) leads to people not being able to separate the love & sex. If you are happy in your current relationship, I would think the "love" aspect is already taken care of, so it easy just to have "sex".

In answer to the other part of the question, we prefer seeing people longer term because of the intimacy and fun you can have when you get to know someone, which is not to say one off can't be fun either, but it is great when as a couple you connect with someone and all parties involved are comfortable and can really relax and enjoy.

Just our 2 cents...
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CucknShells   Woman 50yrs


Just as not every time you have sex will it involve love why does sex and love have to be separate just because you might already love another. For me I can love more than one person at a time so I have never been wary of feeling love for someone else. My husband doesn't get jealous or insecure when I have had feelings for another. I loved my x and it was never an issue. It didn't change the way I felt about my husband. If anything I loved my husband more.

I don't know if you can really control who you fall in love with. If I could have I wouldn't have fallen for my x again. Not that I regret it but it was a bit mental. I am not sure putting in place rules is going to help either. Some people can fall for someone instantly. I do think though that with time and experience you do get to know yourself better and are able to manage your feelings and actions better.

Jealousy is a whole different thing. It is not just one emotion but is made up of lots of different emotions from feeling insecure to envy. Like love I don't know if it is something you can actively prevent. I mean if it was then nobody would chose to feel it would they. It can just come over you and I don't know know if it is more profound depending of levels of intimacy. In that I don't know if setting up rules will prevent it from happening either. I think the only thing you can do is learn ways to manage it when it does happen.

At the end of the day it comes down to communication. When interacting with other people you are going to feel lots of different emotions that you have no control over. All you really can control are your action.


Mar 20, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post

Love versus Sex

Love is surely a deep connection,first you fall in love and then if it lasts then you love.

We can have sex with many different people if the chemistry is there,we can also develop close friendships,but that doesn't necessarily lead to love.

If we have been badly hurt in the past then usually we will be more cautious and guarded because of fear.

Fear that we will feel that pain again.

To love someone is also to trust them,otherwise what is it? If we are jealous of and for them ,then surely that is not love.Q
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Levels of love

I would say it's more levels of love.

English is very clouded on the word. One word to express many forms of the same feelings.

I can 'love' my partner and enjoy her company and love her silly little habits and love her from afar. I make love to women I enjoy making them happy and watching them smile from what we achieved. I'm not in love with them.

So on a level basis "playing" rates as a different love, a love that follows with desire to please and be pleased. I'm able to look back fondly on those times but that's it, it's not the same love for my partner.

So if I say I love you I'm saying I have a desire to please you and be pleased by you, but don't get it mixed up with my love for my partner.

- Posted from rhpmobile
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Man 35yrs


I think most people can separate love and sex, people are quite capable of having sexual or romantic partners without falling in love. For me to fall in love, requires reciprocation of such feelings and to communicate such, and to be fully involved in each other's lives. That is, a true life partner, girlfriend etc, a joining of lives and families. I highly doubt I could fall for an essentially secret lover, even seeing them over a longer period and/or more regularly than my last actual love. But that does not mean you don't care for them, or that there is not a bond, an intimate connection.

A better question might be whether sex can ever be just sex without any emotional involvement. For some it will always be intimate, but then you have to wonder about some niche sexual activities, groups etc, and how or if even general intimacy plays a role there.

- Posted from rhpmobile
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madotara69   Couple Man 48yrs Woman 48yrs

I can't MsJonesy,

seperate love from sex, I love Tara unconditionally, from the first time I looked into her sparkling, smiling eyes, to now, just the same, twenty five years and still have all the feelings and emotions love is, we are best friends, Tara feels the same, we stick by each other through thick and thin, when we have sex with other people, it's our relationship as friends and in love that we share and that is something too special to even contemplate separating for any occasion.

Feelings have meanings, if something hurts, it doesn't automatically mean jealousness, but it does hurt for reason, same as if something feels good, it's coming together to better understand why ? and I think we have touched on all our emotions throughout our experiences.

Thanks MsJonesy, reckon I could write a book on this topic :)


Mado Tara xx
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Hotwives_Inc   Couple (FF) Woman 49yrs Woman 49yrs

I'm with Shells ...

I don't know how to seperate them. It doesn't mean I've 'loved' people I've been with, absolutely not. BUT I've always 'felt something' for significant play friends and they've only been a few :)

I've done the one off play, I've done the parties but I went in with a mindset that enablesd me to 'play' in such a space (emotionless basically). That's not my natural way of being though and I can't nor do I want to sustain that because for me it's often been very empty and meaningless. I'm merely a pleasure vessel and often don't get it returned. I'm turned on by the spontaneous fuck, by the not really knowing someone and fucking them but when I did try in the past, it just didn't live up to the fantasy for me.

Where I've felt connected to people I feel I can relax, be myself, have time to ask for and participate in fantasies mine and theirs. Those who've gotten close to me know me, what makes me tick and how to get me there :)

On the topic of jealousy, I experience it often. I can and do articulate and discuss what my triggers might be but I think that's a natural reaction. My triggers are often my own insecurities unfortunately and I'm trying to work through them.

I often say that in this lifestyle there isn't a 'rule book' as such and there are so variables on any given day that responses and attitudes can change regularly. Communication is critical, speak to be heard and listen to hear... work through issues collective or independently but communicate through all these concerns.

We are humans at the end of the day :)

Mary xx
Mar 21, 2017 Report Abuse  |   Reply with Quote  |   Reply Reply Post
AnnieWhichway   TV/CD 55yrs

Too hard to generalise, too hard to be exact

Since joining pie, l have learnt so much about sex. That was always a gimme. I didn't expect to learn so much about myself, my emotions, my thoughts. And learn so much about others and their inner workings.

I've tried a few times to do this post as it's so much harder dealing with the feelings of the 2 personalities in our mind.

Yes we have been able to separate sex and love. I've experienced the moments of the first time watching the one you love enjoying being fucked by others. And vice versa. And reliving those moments in the afterglow with follow up amazing sex. The whole process opening my minds to the lifestyle with a big tick.

Also experienced the emotions of loving someone deeply but no longer being in a relationship with them but through the channels of RHP, knowing of them hooking up with others and experiencing sexual adventures that we would have ticked off the fucket list together if we had been together.

That tests the real ability of separating love and sex within the human field of emotions. A hard test that has a roller coaster style of success/failure. To get your mind around that scenario re-educates every part of your emotional thought process.

I found the separating of the 2 relatively easy and natural for want of a better word. Separating the 2 after the relationship separation will test you to your core.

I passed the test. Not with an A+. Maybe somewhere between a C and a B but l passed.

I think the whole experience has evolved me further than l ever would have thought possible. We all evolve from the rhp experience but all to different drum heats. Hoping it's made us better persons for it. We certainly look at things differently. We look at people and their emotional connection differently.

At this stage for us, it has deepened the meaning/experience of sex that we have with someone that you hold a deep love for. In explanation, it hasn't lessened the experience of the separated sex but it has multiplied the brilliance of orgasm when in the tangle of arms and legs of that special person that you are emotionally bonded too.

Sorry for the book. But that was a hard write. Mentally and emotionally. Xx

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